“Beijo se dá, não se pede!” – Observations

“Beijo se dá, não se pede!”

The phrase above basically means “a kiss isn’t asked for, it’s given!” and throughout my years on the Brazilian ‘dating scene’ (most of my friends are Brazilian so it just happens that way) and during my extended trips to Brazil, I’ve noticed that phrase isn’t just a phrase, but an unwritten philosophy.

Brazilian women are receivers of affection, not takers. The sooner you learn that, the better off you will be if your goal is finding a Brazilian girlfriend. Go to a bar, a club, a park, the beach or the middle of the sertão, and you will find the same thing…machismo, and in a country where there’s an excess of machismo, there will be women who have learned to respond to it.

“But we’re in the 21st century!”

I know, I know. I’m not endorsing it as a lifestyle, but merely as a means to attracting and being attractive to women in Brazil. Men must do all the ‘work’ in Brazil (and in most ‘latin’ countries) and it is a woman’s job to let you know if she’s interested or not. Argue with me on this point if you will, but Brazilian women don’t give signals…period. If you like a woman and want to get to know her, you have to do more than flirt and be affectionate towards her (because many guys will do this). You have to approach her, start a conversation, make sure her reaction isn’t negative and as long as it’s normal or positive, then you can assume you are on the right track. This track might lead to a kiss a little bit later, which you will have to completely initiate (as she will give you no signs she wants one) and it can lead to seeing her another night, etc.

There’s a sentence I recently read (not a popular saying though) that says “Se gostou, pega pela cintura” and that means “if you like it her, take her by the waist”. What that translates to in other terms, is you need to have a certain forwardness about you while in a social setting (bar, club, party) and in proximity to a woman you are interested in, otherwise you are doomed to have very little luck. Unfortunately, I know what I’m talking about.

During most of my 10 months in Brazil in total, I didn’t act accordingly and I got nowhere. No extra-long glances nor smiles that hide something more, no reason to think any woman in any social setting had the least bit interest. I’m no hermit, I’m not super shy nor do I share any similarities with Mr. Bean, I just wasn’t forward enough for the average Brazilian woman. Mind you, I’ve had long-term relationships with brasileiras but I didn’t initially meet them in social places.

So how do I know these things if I’ve never been the macho man, with the forwardness to prove it? Learned it all secondhand. I’ve seen it happen a million times but I’m fairly happy with how I am so this is a lesson for you. Take it or leave it.

10 thoughts on ““Beijo se dá, não se pede!” – Observations

  1. 100% verdade. The upside is that they think of foreigners as being more sensitive and thus, one can skip the caveman routine and get by with a bit more class.

  2. I loved the post! I’ve never heard the “se gostou, pega pela cintura”, but it’s so true. You see it happens at nightclubs all the time. Some don’t even ask for a kiss, they go for it and steal it!

    • A friend on FB posted a story from the site papodehomem.com.br (I think that was the name) and that’s where I saw the phrase. When I saw it, I thought, that’s very Brazilian! haha. Glad you liked it! Thanks

  3. I’m kinda surprised, actually. I’m from the south of Brazil (Rio Grande do Sul) and I think the girls give you clues when they’re interested: they stare at you, they smile, they play with their hair… Of course not all girls are the same, but still… Is that so different in the northeast region? Don’t the girls there do that?

    • Hi Leonardo,

      Well, my experiences were in Rio, São Paulo and Belém, with anywhere from one month in the city to six months, so all I can say is I didn’t notice any signals at all unless the women have ninja-like speed when they give a signal. There have been Brazilians that have told me what you are telling me, but for me, I’d look at the women as much as any other guy but I got no response in return.

  4. Interesting…I also never heard (“Se gostou, pega pela cintura”. Can you tell if this say is from any region in Brazil, sort of North-East and/or North?

    I remember from my travels is that I noticed a pronounced difference in social (including dating) behavior from the northernmost part of my state (getting more and more different ) upwards…I mean the mores, the social patter to approach women is all too different form the southern part of the country…What is funny is that to my eyes, their behavior was lot more liberal, consensual. They also seemed more open, fun..I guess in the countryside and inward and southbound, Brazilian women may have even more discrete…so the local guys tend to correspond accordingly (to the local mores and costumes)

    But I had a good laugh reading you post…BTW: keep to who you are…you are sure succeed ;)

    • Hi Cris,

      The phrase isn’t a popular one, just something I saw in an article and decided to use for my article because it represents for me how young Brazilian guys think when they are out at night.

      I agree, one has to adapt to their surroundings but sometimes it’s hard not to hope, because something that should be simple shouldn’t seem like ‘rocket science’, right? Glad you enjoyed the post and I will keep not-caçando, lol.

  5. I am 100% sure you haven’t been to Ceará State…
    Here, man wait too much before start a conversation.
    They only get closer if they are 110% sure they will be accepted. 110% de que não levarão um fora…
    I enjoyed reading your post!
    Congratulations!!!

    • Interesting, Lia. Sim, acertou, nunca estive no nordeste. Seria interessante fazer um mapa das cidades principais aí com informação sobre como comportam os homens e as mulheres, generalizando, né.

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